you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You're like the curious george of whores
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
