Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
