I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
