I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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