i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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