I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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