Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
