her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
