I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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