either way he was missing a nipple.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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