i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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