i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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