Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
