This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
