someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
this beer tastes like vomit already
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
