i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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