Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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