my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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