So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
bring money and cleavage
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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