she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
