I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
