When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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