Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I met the friendliest cop last night
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
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All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
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We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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