I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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