I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
