I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
