Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
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She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
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My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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