Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
