I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
