if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
