also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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