I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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