as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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