Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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