I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
