He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
