Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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