Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
