Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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