You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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