I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
