I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
