well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
