Are we in a gay sports bar?
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
