Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
