can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
