dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
