even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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