I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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