Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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