He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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