His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
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also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
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Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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