you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
