I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
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