You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
