I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
