you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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