someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
