i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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