if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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