Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
