My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i would punch a child for taco bell
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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