I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
