Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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