Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
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Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
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Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize