Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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